Okay Wildflowers, I’m going to say this early so you don’t think that I’m leading you on a wild goose chase…

He’s not sending you mixed signals; you just don’t like what the signals are saying.

There, I said it, but now let me explain!  Mixed signals is code for you not getting what you need out of a relationship.  When my Wildflowers start to talk about getting “Mixed Signals”, they almost always start to tell me about things that happened in the beginning of the relationship, VERSUS what’s happening now. OR, they talk about the guy’s potential and how he looks on paper VERSUS how he actually shows up in the relationship.  I smile and listen with compassion because I’ve been there and often revisit that place.…I am after all the Original Wildflower!   We agonize tirelessly over what should be an ideal relationship.  Our hearts in turmoil trying to figure out why the object of our affection just won’t act right!

So what I say to my fellow Wildflowers, and myself is that the signals are clear!  The signals are telling you that he is not showing up in the relationship in a way that fulfills your needs or reflects your values.  Constantly ruminating or replaying events is how your subconscious communicates with you.  Often times, we deflect this pain so we can stay engaged in the situation, by vilifying the person or creating confusion around what we are experiencing.  Vilifying the person keeps them in our lives by having a story or hurt to constantly retell to a sympathetic ear.  Even though they have probably moved on, we keep a connection by replaying the story every opportunity that we can.  It’s better than having nothing right?  Mixed signals on the other hand, is also one of the best “subconscious” protection mechanisms for staying in an unhealthy or unfulfilling relationship.  Creating confusion around what we are experiencing keeps us connected and remove any responsibility from having to make tough choices.

You know the scenario, when you are together everything is heaven on Earth, BUT he is inconsistent and you never know when heaven is going to grace you with its presence.

What do you do?  He’s really an amazing guy…sometimes.

The best thing that we can do when we start to experience mixed signals in our relationships and obsess over what he really means is to first stop the madness and embrace the signals by acknowledging the truth.  The truth acts like a calming balm, and allows us to start to assess what is really happening and process logically, based on well thought out principles that reflect our personal values and relationship needs.   

Instead of trying to read mixed signals, ask yourself:

1. Does this relationship align with my values?
2. Is this person giving me what I need and want in a relationship?

Depending on the honest answers to those two questions, you can decide on whether it’s worth it to proceed or if it’s better to cut bait and move on to something better.  If the relationship is worth further effort, have open and honest communication with your mate on the “mixed signals” that you are receiving VERSUS what you actually want from the relationship.  Allow him to listen and absorb without pressure or judgment.  Once you’ve done the hard work and communicated what you want lovingly and effectively, allow him the opportunity to make a decision based on what HE wants and value in the relationship.  He may not want what you desire at this time in his life and that is okay.  Acknowledging the truth about what is happening in your relationship and communicating effectively allows you to move forward…or not, with someone who has made a deliberate decision about where they want the relationship with you to go.  Sounds healthy right!