If you are like most Wildflowers, you’ve asked yourself this question too many times to keep count.

I remember sitting across from a dear friend over dinner, as she described to me why her new boyfriend was her dream man.
 
She was elated with how easily he brushed it off when she would lash out furiously overly seemingly innocent questions. When I asked why she responded so aggressively to his questions and she simply stated that they made her uncomfortable. 
 
She was absolutely certain that he was a keeper, when he drove behind her one night, begging her to get in the car after she had stormed out of the restaurant during a heated dinner date discussion. 

“He told me to get my crazy ass in the car,” she beamed with pride.

I could tell that this particular quality in her new beau gave her great joy and a certain amount of relief as she got slightly teary eyed explaining that he didn’t hold it against her and did not leave her…

Wildflowers, do you see what’s happening here???

After a string of unsuccessful relationships and brutal heartbreaks, she’d finally found someone who accepted her for herself. Instead of doing the work to discover what she was doing to contribute to her failed relationships, she’d found someone to accept the behavior.
 
As I listened to her recount various scenarios of how well he put up with her dysfunctional relationship behaviors, I began to realize that acceptance was the unconscious quality that she used to determine relationship potential.  She did not want to be judged and she did not want to be abandoned and she found just what she was looking for.
 
And just to be clear, I’m not saying that the guy couldn’t truly be the one, but my question is, …why would you hold in such high regard, someone tolerating your negative, self-defeating behaviors as the gold standard for your relationships? 

Why are you settling for someone settling for a lesser version of you?

WILDFLOWERS, when you make the decision to give someone your time, your energy, even your body, what criteria do you use?
 
We all say that we want a healthy relationship, but in reality, like in the story, we end up picking potential partners based on where we currently are emotionally, not reflective of the life that we claim we want.
 
The danger with this approach is that you could potentially and without the slightest bit of awareness, pick mates based on flawed values. If you are a Wildflower, you are probably reflecting a lot of hurt and self-sabotaging behaviors.  This unresolved hurt creeps into every facet of your life and very gradually becomes the standards bearer for your intimate relationships.
 
When you look for compatibility in a potential mate, do you base that compatibility on well thought-out values that align with the life that you want, or do you base your selection on past hurts and events that you never want to relive again?
 
Your unconscious, hurt-driven values might look something like this…

“Where You Are” Values:

• Don’t Want to Be Lonely
• Don’t Want to Be Hurt
• Need to Feel Validated
• Don’t Want To Grow Old Alone

While your self-aware, conscious-driven values look something like this…

“Where You Want To Be” Values:

• Balanced and Reciprocal Relationship
• Open and Honest Communication
• Emotionally Available
• Commitment Oriented

See the difference here?

When you use faulty standards as criteria for entering into a relationship, you are setting yourself up for inevitable disappointment and failure.  You will spiral into despair with thoughts like you will never find true love, or relationships are hopeless.  This couldn’t be further from the truth, and at the same time, absolutely be your reality if you intentionally (conscious or unconscious) seek out relationships that nurture your destructive behavior patterns.

We unconsciously attract brokenness into our lives with our own broken energy.

Instead of showing up in a relationship with a broken you, and hoping that the man of your dreams will put up with it;

1. Do the work to become self-aware, heal and bring forth a whole and healthy person.
2. Eliminate relationships that reinforce hurt, pain and self-defeating protection mechanisms.
3. Choose relationships that grow you, and help you to become the person that you want to be, versus the broken person that you drag from failed relationship to failed relationship.

Remember, It’s Not Where You Are; It’s Where You Want To Be!